Life Of The Twisted


when your waiter comes out with food but it’s for another table





tumblr staff is at their bimonthly meeting, deciding what updates to implement by throwing darts at a dartboard. there are squared labeled things like “new shade of blue for notifications” and “make a ‘like’ button animation.” david karp, blindfolded, throws two darts; they hit “fix video player” and “just fucking hire the xkit guy already.” everyone pretends not to look while david walks over and plugs both darts into “update inbox icon”


My favourite thing is when people post oatmeal and they’re like, “kept it super simple today” and it’s like vanilla bean matcha chai toffee coffee oats with cocoa nibs, caramelized star fruit and bewitched pecan butter with barbecued bananas captured in the trees of Narnia.


You’re a Disney princess who is just currently in the sad part of her feature film. It’s going to be okay. 

That’s so nice.


Why do people act like being a vampire is so fucking great. You can’t eat garlic bread so what’s the point